I was a GP Principal in the English NHS for 30 years until I resigned in 2013 , partly as I did not want to work in a privatised healthcare system.
The work below is a satirical piece designed to bring home to the public what will actually happen to them.
Dr Paul J Hobday
This is the story of two families in England PLC just after the 2015 General Election.
The Bevans live just off Lansley Road , in a house build in 1948, whilst the Cameron-Cleggs occupy a huge hotel-like mansion in a prime site on the private road behind gates manned by Protecttherich4Security.
The Bevans inherited their house from Nye’s grandparents who had worked hard for it . It suits their family perfectly and was paid for long ago as it was built at cost with no “middle-men” taking a cut.
The Cameron-Cleggs have a large loan from Cheatem & Grabbitt Bank . They are tied into a 30 year mortgage at Loanshark interest rates but don’t see the problem as they have shares in the bank . Letwin , Osborne and Crook , their accountants , who by coincidence happen to be bank directors , insisted this was a good deal. Their large support staff occupy most of the rooms protected from the poor further up the street by room entry swipe cards. They park their two Jags in the private car park which C & G Bank recently sold off to a Mr “Ginger” Alexander . The Cameron-Cleggs pay extra for this but appreciate charging for everything is now part of life and rightly so. It must be better if paid for as this discourages scroungers. However their loss of control hit home when both cars were clamped recently. No problem though as they can recycle the fine when negotiating the next contract , and claim expenses on their next tax return issued from the Cayman Islands.
The Bevan’s day starts with Nye helping Jenny with the children and
getting them off to school. They’ve always co-operated and shared the chores. They take turns with the shopping , cooking and cleaning and run a happy house very efficiently. They wish they could earn more but Nye’s boss is very mean. Fortunately their overheads aren’t much. They have enough time and money to see to their childrens’ every needs, even if they have to wait sometimes.
The Cameron-Cleggs meanwhile have an early family business meeting in the Hunt room with their commissioners. Their accountants goes through the agenda which starts with the news of the arrival of a new 56 page contract for Breakfast Provision after the successful tendering process. This had to be renewed after a poor satisfaction survey which singled out the muesli as not fit-for-purpose .
It is indeed a day for celebration as breakfasts for the children can start again after a break of three months. Lawyers for a US-based cereal company had challenged the bidding process but lost on appeal.
Item 2 (from 32) concerned Governance issues raised by their 4 year old daughter , Deloitte ,who was challenging the authority of her parents on a technicality , and because her copy of the Teddybear Repair Contract had not arrived. Deloitte’s own lawyers were confident of victory.
Other contracts involving their son , McKinsey, ( who had been awarded to the Cameron-Cleggs for 3 years , renewable once only , subject to CRB checks ) end soon and so would be put out to compulsory tender. The School outsourcing had always caused concern as the Transport contract only provided for 3 miles of the 5 miles needed and , due to a drafting error , his secondary school became available before his primary . Barry the Butcher supplied the children’s clothes , as his bid was lowest . Unfortunately the bedtime stories service disappointed both children when it arrived as it was in Greek. The translation service had recently been abolished because of “efficiency savings”.
The meeting ended with a review of all their 42 compulsory insurance policies but this was “rubber stamped” as they had been brokered by a company called Letwin, Osborne, Crook, Cheatem and Grabbitt (no relation) from Jersey.
After tough negotiations involving Kaiser Associates , Dave and Nicky signed a marriage contract 6 years ago , and had achieved a decent spell of continuity after Dave had passed his appraisals with her. His Revalidation will be a hurdle however as Nicky is asking for a Judicial Review of Dave’s plans to reconfigure the kitchen. He wants to centralise the crockery to the other side of the dishwasher where he feels he can provide a better service but Nicky thinks it’ll be too far away from the sink. They both dread an unannounced inspection from the Can’t Quite Cope Commission.
However Dave wants to re-negotiate the frequency of their love-life and is threatening putting this out-to-tender producing his annual satisfaction questionnaires as evidence. He has been tempted by offers from the US who specialise in targeting the “low hanging fruit”. He feels his wife could have more productivity and a lower price is appropriate , but for a higher frequency. Nicky thinks she will win on quality but wants to include an interference clause.
The Light-Bulb changing service was selected via a “Choose and Book” clinic , but they had recently received a letter after the appointment saying they had missed it and had to be re-referred. This meant that , at the moment , they were in the dark but they had the consolation of knowing that Light-Bulb England had guaranteed 5 choices of appliances . They had been reassured that they could force better quality through competition , although they had found out on the MarketSolvesEverything 111 website that 3 types aren’t compatible.
They never had to worry about other house maintenance issues as they were tied into a company owed by the Bank , and were persuaded choice wasn’t important here.
They couldn’t wait for the new USA-EU Trade agreement which is specifically designed to make compulsory 549 types of bulbs from across the Atlantic. An added bonus is they play “The Star-Spangled Banner” when switched on. This would put all the English bulb makers out of business but as they were not shareholders this was of no concern. Even better it is irreversible and the Government can be sued if they don’t stick to the 99 year contract so Dave’s brother , Vince , who works for the US Bulb company will do well.
So , the Cameron-Cleggs , being ambitious , are quite content with their lifestyle which the BBC tells them on the News every night puts them firmly in control with lots of choice and a market that guarantees quality. They are very pleased they had voted Conservative , especially as the manifesto promised a top-down , see it from outer-space, plan to buy up without compensation the Bevan’s house so it could be converted into another badly needed lawyer’s office. This they thought was justice as hadn’t they stolen their great Auntie Teresa’s private hospitals in 1948 ?
Fortunately , at this point , Jennie Bevan woke up. She was sweating with fear but realised she’d had an awful nightmare. She knew her way of life was so sensible and British that no politician would ever get away with changing it , and why on earth would they want to ? She knew that the Cameron-Cleggs were never going to really tolerate such a stupid, corrupt, wasteful, expensive, inefficient and Orwellian system that she had dreamt they were living. It couldn’t possibly happen in such a fair and well-functioning democracy with reliable , truthful , balanced and in-depth media scrutiny. The BBC would ensure that by living up to it’s Charter, and no political party would implement a policy not clearly laid out in a pre-election manifesto. They wouldn’t be so deceitful as it might damage the politicians’ reputation of being honest , open and full of integrity. She could go back to sleep content in that certainty.
But the twist is this is a true story. This is the story of what the Coalition Government is doing to the English NHS. It used to be run like the Bevan’s household but now it operates like the Cameron-Clegg’s. Americanisation is their middle name.
Which household would you prefer to live in ?
Unlike in Jenny’s nightmare the General Election hasn’t actually happened yet, , so the English could still avoid having to live like the Cameron-Cleggs with the Bevan’s way of life having gone forever.
Dr Paul J Hobday MB BS FRCGP DRCOG DFSRH DPM
Rose Cottage , Churn Lane , Horsmonden , Kent TN12 8HN
07753 118 910
01892 725683
@pauljhobday
Declared conflict of interest:
Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for
Maidstone and the Weald
National Health Action Party
kentnhap 